“Great Living” Tip #1: Never offer Unsolicited Advice
Has someone ever told you they decided to do something and because you disagreed with their decision, you offered them your opinion? OR Have you ever told someone that they were making a mistake because you thought they needed to know? When these situations happen, you feel that you are doing the right thing because you are helping them out.
The alternaview:
The alternaview is that we should never offer unsolicited advice. If someone isn’t asking…then we shouldn’t be telling. The best thing we can do is to keep our opinion to ourselves (yes, that also means you can’t talk about them and their mistakes to other people).
Are there exceptions to the rule about never offering unsolicited advice?
Yes, but there is only one…and that is with your children (and this means real children, not adults that you have decided are too young to make their own minds up).
And, that’s it. There are no other exceptions.
Why?
Because, if someone is not asking you to share your opinion, then they have already made up their mind and you really are not helping the situation. In most instances the only reason why they are even telling you is so that you can agree with them. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend you agree when you don’t, but rather you just acknowledge that they have to do what they feel is best.
The best thing we can do and offer to other people is to let them reach good conclusions on their own. When we follow this rule, we are really providing them with the freedom they need to live and learn, and that is what it is all about…that is the alternaview.
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Sibyl, your alternaview blog is just brimming with helpful suggestions that really help us became better human beings. Thank you again for another thoughtful post. What I sense in this post is your recognition that basic respect for another is paramount in any relationship. And adults really do have the inner resources to reach good conclusions on their own - without any unsolicited advice. Greetings to you on this windy day in the mountains in Japan - a huge, old paulownia tree fell over the day before yesterday (no damage to our minka or garden, fortunately).
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Getting Out of Bed on the Positive Side
@Catrien: Thanks for the kind words Catrien and your last comments. I am also enjoying having these conversations with you. I really believe in the importance of doing all you can to live better and be better and your blog is such a wealth of information with great advice. I am also trying to participate in that conversation with the alternaview and am glad you like the blog. I am so happy to have you commenting here. Have a wonderful weekend. Sibyl
Hi Sybil,
An interesting post and great reminder to think before you speak.
I must say, though, that I can think of some other exceptions to the rule. As I look at my own life, I can see that I have definitely benefited from people making suggestions to me - even what I would call unsolicited advice - that I probably would never have thought of on my own and that helped me in some way.
It's all in how it comes across. I definitely don't like people telling me what I should do. But if someone says, "Did you ever think about...?" I would be open.
What I find very useful is asking first. If I have an idea for someone, I frequently ask some version of, "I have a suggestion, or another way of looking at this. Are you open to hearing it?" of "I have some thoughts about this. Would you like to hear them?" This is a communication skill that works because the person is making the choice to listen, they are involved, and won't hear it as a demand or criticism.
One reason we are here is to help each other, and we all benefit when we share the wisdom.
@Gail:Welcome to the alternaview and thanks for the comment. I think you make a good point and I probably should have ended the post asking for times when people think there are other exceptions. I agree with you if people are receptive to your advice then there is so much value in living and learning together. I also agree that there is something to be said about your approach and how you address the situation. I think we just need to have good "advice radar" and know when people are receptive versus when they really would rather just navigate through a situation on their own. Thank you again for the insightful comment and sharing your perspective. It is nice to have you commenting here at the alternaview. Sibyl