One of the Most Important Realizations
For the majority of us, inevitably there will be things that happen that we don’t like and undesired circumstances that arise from time to time. Maybe we don’t like our current job, our parents are driving us crazy, or there is something/someone else we just don’t feel good about. When we find ourselves in a place where we wish things were different, it is easy to fall into the trap of filling a need to express our dissatisfaction. We are unhappy with one thing or another and as a result we expend a lot of our energy on expressing all the reasons we don’t like the current circumstance.
We may not even realize we are complaining, because we are just rationally explaining to the people around us all the justified reasons we have for disliking a situation. Or, perhaps we have just been venting in our own minds and allowing all the reasons we are unhappy with a situation to run through our thoughts.
Whatever the case may be, the reality is that none of it is really serving us well or providing us with any types of positive benefits that will get us where we need to be.
The alternaview:
We really can improve a situation and or how we feel about it, by eliminating all forms of complaining. When we find ourselves falling into that trap of speaking or even negatively thinking about a situation, we need to realize the alternaview…there are only two good choices when it comes to dealing with those things and circumstances we don’t like:
(1) We should either direct our energy to improve our negative perspective about the current circumstance (no matter how justified or rational it may be)
OR
(2) We should direct our energy to change the circumstance.
That’s it…there are no other good choices. And, if we have fallen into the trap of complaining…It’s time to stop and make a choice…Are we going to redirect our energy toward improving our perspective or are we going to redirect our energy toward changing the circumstance?
Anything else will just get us nowhere.
Now, you may be pointed toward one choice or another simply based on what is feasible at the time. Perhaps, at the current time, it just is not possible to change your circumstances (i.e. it’s not realistic for you to jump up and quit your job or stop talking to the person who upset you). In these situations, you are being directed to choose option #1 and that means you have to put all your energy into refreshing and improving your outlook on the current circumstance.
Instead of running through all the reasons you are unhappy with what is going on, you need to direct all your energy into figuring out what you can focus on that will make you appreciate the situation and what you are going through. Yes, it may not be easy and answers may not start flowing in, but if we really put forth a genuine concerted effort, there is always a silver lining waiting to be focused on. We are more than capable of transforming our negative thoughts and complaints about a situation, we just need to be willing to do whatever is necessary to look at the situation in an improved way and push ourselves to discover different insights.
Alternatively, you may feel it is more appropriate to choose Option #2 and that means it is time to get serious about changing your current circumstance. Usually, it also means you have reached a point where you just know deep down it is time for change. Put together your plan, start working against it and start moving.
Whether it is Option #1 or Option #2, the most important thing to realize is that it is never an option to complain or think about something negatively. When undesirable situations surface, it is our job to either find a way through or a way out. When we realize these are the only two good choices, it makes things so much easier and allows us to strategically direct our attention and energy in a way that will set things up to continually improve...that is the alternaview.
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I find one of the best ways to achieve option #1, is to be careful about the language you use. Sometimes it isn't enough to simply try to stop complaining in the traditional sense because our language can also cause the same problems. It allows us to blame others for things we control (other people can't make you happy or unhappy, you have 100% control over it, so other people don't disappoint you, you are disappointed because you created an expectation that was not met, regardless of the roles others played.) It is a small change, but it helps to keep your mindset focused at every level to stay positive and remember that you control all situations.
Thanks for breaking it down so clearly, there really are only two choices.
Sibyl, thank you so much again. You expressed it so succinctly - there are only two good choices, no matter how much we rationalize otherwise. We expend so much energy in justifying our position or view instead of directing that energy toward transformation. Robb's point about language is so perceptive, too. Our words shape the stance we take and they can trap us and keep us in circumstances that no longer serve us well. Yet we stay and we complain. Your post points the way to a much healthier choice that can change everything. On this glorious winter morning in the mountains in Japan, thank you for sharing your alternaview, Sibyl.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Stopping Yourself in 10 Ways to Simply Be More and Better Now
@Robb: You are so right that there really is power in the words we choose and how we frame the situation in our minds. The more we are able to focus on genuinely changing our perception and really making sure that we are thinking about things from the most helpful perspective, the better we are in the long run. Thank you for the comment.
@Catrien: It is always so good to hear your perspective and I think this one hits the nail on the head. You and Robb both made a really good point about communication and the words we choose. As you mentioned, they really do shape our stance and if we use them correctly, we can really frame things in our minds in a way that will allow us to be in a better place. It is all about strategically directing our attention and what we focus on. Thanks for sharing your comments on this alternaview. Sibyl